Whom having not seen, you love (1 Pet. 1:8)
update 3.1 / Week 1
Hello everyone!
I’m happy to report that I’m back in Anaheim, and though I'm not particularly compelled by the sights and sounds of this city I am so happy to be back in the training! Somehow this time I’m in my third term, and though I sometimes don't know how I got here the one thing I know is that everything’s the best that it can be for me to gain Christ.
To those of you who are reading one of my email updates for the first time, hi and thanks for being here :-)
If you find yourself with an abundance of time on your hands, the rest of my updates are here and I do hope you’ll enjoy reading about the little details of this life I’m learning to live with the Lord. At the very least, read my gospel trip reports (here’s part one and part two). There are no words to actually capture how awesome it was (though an attempt was made) and I think about my time there probably every day!
It’s the night before the first day of the training, and we’re singing Hymn 310. Once I was bound by the things of the world, but I received a glorious freedom. It seems to be that freedom is found when you’re without restriction, when you’re able to do “whatever you want,” but tonight I realize that true freedom is found in one Person. It’s contradictory to think that in the training, where rules and restrictions abound and where every moment of our day is accounted for, there would be freedom, but tonight I see that I am really free. I’m coming off of seven weeks of interim, seven weeks of being able to wake up whenever I want, and seven weeks of “freedom”––but tonight, singing with the rest of the trainees, here in this blue and white uniform, abiding by the info manual, under the Headship of the Lord, I am really free. There’s no greater joy than this, and there’s no better place to be than this.
I’m so happy in this lovely place.
(Hymn #1237)
So, you might ask, why are you still here? I found myself wondering the same thing this interim, maybe during a day at the beach or a day spent at home, but I have tasted and have seen that all of this is such a privilege. It’s not restriction, but freedom. It’s not rules and regulations, but Christ and the church. I give (what sometimes feels like) all, and yet the gain is so much more. During interim it was fun and exciting to reminisce and daydream about what life could be like, whether after the training or at present, but after a mere 48 hours back in this place I see that all of my wondering and hoping and planning is restricted and regulated by another life. There is Someone who is preparing all of this for me, and this One loves me and wants to be loved by me.
With all that in mind, I’m thankful for 20 more weeks where I can learn what it means to love the Lord and live the Christian life! It’s week by week, day by day, and even hour by hour. Come and see :-)
I just need to say something about my house because you all would not believe what a blessing these people are to me! Every night we come home, we sit at the kitchen table, and we talk about everything we saw and heard that day. Most recently this involved an in-depth discussion of what it means to live in two realms at once. It’s so awesome. It’s made me realize that this is the normal Christian life, and I’m just so encouraged to get to be around them <3
Just a human conversation
There’s a song I’ve been enjoying recently, because it made me realize that this relationship with the Lord is a lot more simple than I think it is. When I was on the gospel trip and we were at the university in Kristiansand, I had this conversation with a girl who was expressing her frustration with what she thought Christianity was. She told me that she felt like she didn’t like the “religion” of religion, and I told her how awesome it is that the God who created the entire universe just wants to know her and to be known by her. I was the one talking, but that’s how the Lord reached me. I often hear people say that when they preach the gospel they’re the first one to get saved and I’ve never actually understood what they meant, but this time I experienced it––to realize that it’s not that complicated. The Lord just wants to know me, and for me to know Him (Phil. 3:10), in a very human way.
Abraham is one who is “called the friend of God” (James 2:23). In Genesis 18, when God decided to destroy the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, He brought this to Abraham––and when Abraham found that God’s plan was to destroy the city in which Lot lived, he interceded on Lot’s behalf. While I was driving around this interim listening to this song, this line changed everything for me:
This glorious intercession that Abraham made
was just a human conversation.
It’s just a human conversation, not something complicated. I think I’m so often held back in my prayer because it feels like too much of an endeavor to stop everything I’m doing and pray, but it’s not supposed to be religious or ritualistic. It’s just a human conversation. It shouldn’t be anything else, because prayer is just us coming to this Person who dwells within us. It’s telling Him about our day, pouring out all the ramblings of our mind, and casting all our anxieties on the only One who can bear them.
This human relationship between
God and man comes from many interactions.
There shouldn’t be any formality here, and I think that’s what gets lost on me so much of the time. This is a relationship, which should be full of many conversations, but what’s been so sweet to me is that this relationship should entirely be in an atmosphere of love.
I remember the beginning of last term, when on the first night we were told that “Everything in the training is to occur in an atmosphere set by love” and that “The Lord’s coming back depends on our being brought into an atmosphere of romance.” While everyone else talked about how drastically that changed their life, I couldn’t help but think about how I had no idea what that actually meant. I often still don't. But this term, we were again reminded that we have this opportunity to be in the training in the way of a relationship with the Lord––that our training should occur in an atmosphere of love. When we give Him the first place in all things, which is really as simple as Lord, I love you before anything we do, the training can be something that’s entirely defined by our sweet relationship with this One.
Everything can be a loving interaction. Unlike my concept, things like confession shouldn’t issue from condemnation––it should issue out of our love for the Lord, because the goal is to be brought back to this wonderful Person. Someone shared that “This is really just a loving interaction,” and though I never understood it before I think I’m starting to see that everything in the Christian life needs to be in an atmosphere of love. He chose us before the foundation of the world in love, He makes His home in our hearts in love, the Body builds itself up in love, and God’s economy is fulfilled in love (Eph. 1:4, 3:17, 4:16). All these loving interactions issue from just another human conversation.
This romance with the Lord will make everything else fall into place. It works out His economy, it makes you the same as He is, and it prepares you for His return. Without this romantic aspect of this relationship, everything of God’s purpose is simply theoretical. The way for all of this to become real is to respond to His inquiry, to give yourself to love the Lord, and to let yourself be captivated by this Person. He is there, waiting patiently, working quietly, and longing for you to take notice of His desire to be one with you.
Whom having not seen, you love (1 Pet. 1:8)
Emptied to be filled with Him
At the beginning of each term, there’s this underlying question of what are you doing in the training? If you had asked me first term, I probably would have said that “There’s no other place for me to be.” Pose that question to me second term, and I probably would’ve said “To learn what it means to love the Lord.” Those things are still true. But this term, I’ve seen that I’m in the training to pay the price to buy the oil, so that when the Lord returns we have an adequate supply.
I’ve been thinking about this for a few days since it was spoken, and I keep coming back to this line from a hymn:
Emptied to be filled with Him.
(Hymn #589)
Maybe we’re afraid of the emptying, but we’re emptied to be filled. Maybe we’re afraid of the burning, but we’re burned so life can flow. Maybe we’re afraid of the consecration, but we’re consecrated so God is satisfied. When the offering is burnt in Leviticus 1:9 there’s nothing left but ashes, which in the eyes of the world seems like a useless waste––but when we lay our all on the altar and let everything that we are be brought to ashes, there’s a sweet-smelling savor to God. For all these things our logic tries to make us hold on to, the Lord wants to do so much more. It’s so easy to be held back by hesitation, preoccupation, and whatever else is binding us, but the Lord wants to bring our self to nothing so that He can be everything. It’s never a loss to give ourselves to Him entirely. For everything He takes, He gives us so much more––because His only goal in time is to give Himself to us, to be everything to us, and for to do everything through us.
To empty yourself seems like a daunting task, and sometimes I’m not really sure how to actually do that, but in my Bible reading I stumbled upon these verses that made me realize that the Lord is the very basis for our need to be emptied.
Who, existing in the form of God, did not consider being equal with God a treasure to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a slave, becoming in the likeness of men; and being found in fashion as a man, He humbled Himself, becoming obedient even unto death, and that the death of a cross (Phil. 2:6-8)
The unlimited God emptied Himself, willing to take the form of a limited man, to fully put Himself aside so that He could be filled with the Father’s word and the Father’s will. He emptied Himself to be filled, and in this One we see this pattern of a Person who didn’t care about how good or righteous He was––instead caring more for being filled with everything that the Father was.
He paid the ultimate price, first in this taking the form of a man and second in His life-releasing death on the cross. In comparison, the price we have to pay is literally nothing. What a small price to pay, when He’s already done everything on my behalf. It may feel like too much, too hard, or too impossible to get to the point where we’re willing to be emptied, but we have the One within us who’s already done it.
It’s true, that the very act of being in the training is to pay a price, but the price is not paid in that seemingly grand decision. The real paying of a price doesn’t happen when you agree with the Lord’s call to set aside two years of your life. The real paying of a price happens in the sundry affairs of your daily life, whether that’s while you’re making your bed or eating lunch or anything in-between. We pay the price to buy the oil in the monotony of our everyday responsibilities, both in the training and out. The real training is not being in classes on the full ministry of Christ in three stages, but learning to live by another life in all the little moments throughout the day. We pay the price in these more significant moments, too, but the real way to gain the adequate amount of oil is to let Him flow into all the details of your life. The real paying of a price happens not only when you empty yourself of the larger things occupying space in your inner being, but also when you let Him settle down into every hidden thought and intention. When we pay that price, to put everything that we are and have on the altar, letting it be burned to ashes, then He has the way to come in and overflow––spreading from our spirit to our soul, so that every aspect of our self begins to be saturated with the Triune God.
For the foolish, when they took their lamps, did not take oil with them; but the prudent took oil in their vessels with their lamps (Matt. 25:3-4)
And Elisha said to her, What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in your house? And she said, Your servant has nothing at all in the house, except a jar of oil (2 Kings 4:2)
In the parable in Matt. 25, the prudent took oil in their vessels with their lamps. Though I have nothing, I have nothing but a jar of oil. As long as I’m willing to be emptied, there is the way to be filled. I can go and buy for myself (Matt. 25:9), to find as many empty vessels as I can (2 Kings 4:3), and to fill up on my part that which is lacking (Col. 1:24). To be in the training is so awesome, because to be in the training is to allow the Lord to place us in all kinds of situations where we can pay the price to buy the oil.
I’m so encouraged that we’re not here wasting our time, but paying the price in all the little things. The world might consider it a waste, but it’s such a privilege to count all things loss, to turn our back against the world, to cross the separating line, and to be fully and completely saturated with the divine life. Little by little He’s changing our taste, coming in to scatter our darkness, and quietly filling every empty space with Himself. As we make little turns to the Lord, more oil is being added. As we have human conversations with Him, we gain more of Christ in every part of our being. As we let Him settle down in every thought and every desire, He makes His home in every hidden part of our heart. As we learn to live this life with Him, He’s able to gain everything He desires in us.
Arise, my spirit and my heart,
And let the world go by.
(Hymn #960)
This term, I really just want to know Him. In John 17, the Lord prays for the oneness of the believers, so that He would gain a group of people who are one as the Triune God is one. He prays “that they may know You” (John 17:3). He just wants us to know Him! He just wants this human relationship. The goal of God's economy is the New Jerusalem, but the way for Him to gain this in us, and the way for us to become this, is by getting know Him more and more each day.
God wants someone to know Him,
Not just to know about Him.
This pre-training week has been so different than past terms, because the Lord has really been simplifying me in everything I think. Because the universal divine-human incorporation of the New Jerusalem that is the consummation of the building up of the Body of Christ seems so grand, it seems inconceivable to me that the way we get there is by telling the Lord we love Him. What do you mean, that the way to become an overcomer is by waking up 15 minutes earlier to spend time with the Lord in the morning? How is it possible, that by turning to Him when I don’t feel like it, the Lord’s return is a little closer? It seems that it can’t be, that to be in this process of becoming the New Jerusalem is simply to respond to the Lord’s quiet stirring in your inner being. But it’s become so clear to me that the Lord Jesus is a living person, and that everything of God’s purpose and the way we can participate in it depends on our realization of this person. Somehow, it really is that simple. Somehow, it really does happen by telling the Lord that we love Him. Somehow, He’s operating in us silently and ceaselessly to bring us to full salvation––to make us the same as He is, to conform us to the image of the firstborn Son, and prepare us as His eternal counterpart. As long as we’re open, He’ll get us there.
I don't know how the past week has only been one week, but here we are! Though I can hardly believe I’m in my second year of the training, at the same time there’s no reservation––only a contentment with being here coupled with the desire to see more of this most precious One. People keep asking me how I am, and all I can say is that I feel like everything is falling into place.
Let me know how you all are doing! I would love nothing more than to read some emails. Hope life is good :-)
Until next time,
Chloe